Have you ever been there?

Have you ever been there?  See this blog post.

I know I have...  I've felt or heard that "still, small voice" asking me to do something.  Telling me to get involved or make a difference.  Sometimes I've said no.  And it haunts me.  But sometimes I've said yes, and I'm so glad I did.

His Grace is sufficient

I read a wonderful blog, "A Place Called Simplicity," on a regular basis.  From time to time, Linny the author of the blog, leads a day of prayer and fasting.  Prayer, yes I can do that.  But I have always been fearful of fasting.  I have a very quick metabolism and start to get shaky if I don't eat every 2 to 3 hours.  If I wait longer than that I usually start to get kind of faint, severe headaches, etc.  Not a great way to feel when I am trying to take care of my young kids.

Recently, another opportunity for prayer and fasting was presented.  I really felt like maybe I should join in.  I tried to think of some good excuses, but paused to ask God what his opinion was.  "Do you want me to fast today?"  And immediately I heard, "Yes."  Next I asked, "Do you want me to keep fasting if I start to get dizzy and shaky or have a bad headache?  What about the kids?"  And quickly I heard, "My grace is sufficient for you."  Wow, those were quick responses.  I'd been hoping God would answer my questions after I had time for breakfast!

Feeling very hungry, I sat down to read my Bible.  As I was reading, my feeling of hunger went away. God's word is good food!  The feeling of hunger returned throughout the day and I used it as a reminder to spend the time either praying or reading my Bible.  I was certainly hungry, but I didn't experience my usual symptoms from not eating frequently enough.  I didn't even have a headache until I broke the fast and ate again.  The kids and I had a great day.  God's grace is way more than sufficient.  I am so glad that he takes the time to speak to me and teach me new things.

"I will never..."

Have you ever said it or thought it?  "I will never ______!"  You fill in the blank.  I made a lot of these statements during my teenage years.  Some of them I truly have never done.  Others?  Well, some were just kind of silly.  With some, life took me in other directions.  And for some of my "I will never" statements, I believe God had other plans.

During my high school years, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about what job I would be happy doing.  "I know one thing for sure, I will never be a teacher!"  I made this statement with certainty.  I knew I didn't enjoy teaching, I was sure I wasn't good at it.  As I prepared for college, I was planning to get a degree in Psychology.  That was the goal until one day I felt God calling me to be an elementary school teacher.  "Are you kidding me, God?  I said I would never be a teacher!  I'm not good at teaching!"  But thankfully, despite my doubt and hesitation, I said yes.  I spent the first 2 1/2 years of my time in college learning about things related to education and how to teach.

I spent countless hours volunteering in classrooms.  And I hated it!  I am terrible with classroom management.  But I stuck with it, thinking it was God's plan for me.  Until one day I felt God saying, "Okay, that is good enough.  You don't have to teach.  You can change your major."  I was so relieved and so confused!  I tried to understand God's purpose in having me spend all that time learning how to teach.  Was God just testing me to see if I would say yes to him no matter what he asked?  I compared it in my mind to the Bible story of God telling Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac.  Abraham was obedient to God and was prepared to do what God asked, but thankfully God told Abraham to stop and not lay a hand on his son.  Had I been similarly released from a task I dreaded doing?

Maybe, but as time has passed I can see that perhaps God had a bigger plan.  After graduating with a degree in Sociology, I spent 3 years teaching in a prison.  I didn't see that one coming.  As a parent, I think my role as "teacher" is one of the most important things I do.  Kids need to be taught everything!  This has really surprised me a few times.  Of course I need to teach my kids how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, and be polite.  But who would have guessed I would need to teach them why you shouldn't eat mud (or a million other things that are too gross to mention).  And most importantly, I get to teach them about Jesus!

When my son was born, I had a rough time adjusting to having two kids.  He was not an easy baby and perhaps an even more challenging toddler.  My daughter was not too happy about sharing mom and dad.  And in the midst of it, I experienced severe depression.  Here is a picture of one of our good days during those tough months.

I dreamed about the day when I would send my kids to school.  I was quite surprised when I started hearing God gently guide me toward homeschooling my kids!  "No way, I will never homeschool!  I can't teach.  My kids will be weird.  I don't want to give up my time."  I'm sure the list went on and on.

But I am so glad that I said yes to the adventure of teaching my kids at home.  I love it!  I feel very blessed to be the one to teach my kids and spend lots of quality time with them.  We have so much fun learning about the Bible, about science and history, about math and reading.  It is messy and sometimes exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

These days, I think a little more carefully before stating "I will never ________."  I picture God watching me with a kind smile and laughter in his eyes.  Who knows what the future will bring.  I just hope I will never say no to God's plans for my life.

A Hard Heart

I remember quite a few details from my childhood, and many of them put me in a pretty bad light. I remember so often obeying my parents outwardly, but with a very defiant inward attitude. I remember following all the rules when adults were around to see me, but doing my own thing when no one was there to hold me accountable. I remember very clearly telling God no when I sensed Him asking me to do something. And I remember very clearly telling God that I would do what I wanted despite knowing he was saying no. These things are all blaring signs of the very hard heart I had. These memories also play a strong role in urging me in my adult life to say yes to God and to obey what He lays on my heart. Those days and years of saying no to God were very unhappy and uncomfortable ones that I do not want to repeat!

It is interesting to me that I rarely rebelled outwardly to my parents or other adults in authority. I was afraid of the consequences, and I liked "looking good" in the eyes of the world. But I found it so easy to directly tell God that I was going to do things my way, even though I knew without a doubt what He wanted me to do. I think that wanting to look "good" or "normal" to the people around me is still a struggle for me. But I'm daily striving to keep it from controlling my choices any longer. I'd much rather be weird for God than focused on following others expectations of how I am to live my life.

Here is what God has been laying on my heart recently, and it requires some obedience that is likely to be a little uncomfortable.

Luke 12:32-34 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

With this passage, some things have been clear to me. One of my possessions that God has asked me to get rid of is my car. My first response was, "Seriously God? That is my key to partial sanity when my kids and I are going crazy being cooped up in the house together!" But now I'm saying yes to God and goodbye to my car. The rest God and I are working on and I have a lot of questions for Him. "Do you really want me to sell these things God? Or is it okay if I just give things away? Selling things takes so much time and effort." I am also not sure how this verse applies to my kids' abundance of things. Should I be selling some of their belongings, or waiting for God to touch their hearts with a desire to give? I've been praying about these things and waiting for clear answers from God. But I wonder, has He already given me a clear answer and I'm just not listening well? Am I being disobedient by taking time to respond?

Here is a passage that stood out to me this evening while doing devotions with my daughter. Matthew 21:28-31 (Jesus said) "What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.' 'I will not,' he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir,' but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?" 'The first,' they (the chief priests and elders of the temple) answered. Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you."

I'm done telling God no; I also want to be sure I'm not the daughter that says "I will" but doesn't follow through.